I weaned Paddy on Monday. Monday was the first day of complete physical and emotional chaos in my world.
I weaned because his teeth weren't working too well with my nipples. The result was a lot of cracks and a lot of bleeding. He has been eating real food since he was 6 months and had weaned himself through the day - he just fed at night. Instinctively I made the decision that we should go all the way.
Tuesday morning I woke up with engorged, painful boobs. Tuesday afternoon I was at the hospital and on antibiotics to keep mastitis at bay.
Wednesday morning I woke with a overwhelming feeling of guilt. Had I weaned too soon? Did I really think it was the best time for him to wean or did I just give up because it got hard? Did I break the bond between mother and son? Was I just purely selfish?
I wanted to feed Paddy until he was 18 months old at least but we only got to 11 months. I felt I failed.
Now 5 days on..... my boobs aren't as bad but really painful still. I can't leave the house because the milk is slowly leaking out. I have gotten over the guilt to some degree and told myself I just have to move on. It's too late now anyway....
Why doesn't anyone tell you how hard and how emotional breast feeding is?!!
I know we are moving on to another stage in Paddy's world and I know it's going to be great. I just miss the little baby I had.
We will get there...... One day at at time.
6 comments:
Words that must be removed from your vocabulary - failure, selfish and guilt. You've done a great job to get to 11 months. You're fighting off an infection. I wouldn't call that selfish! It's now a different kind of connection - but it's no less of a connection.
Hi There,
I've only just happened upon your blog. I hope that you are feeling better by now. Its might be a good idea to talk to a breastfeeding counsellor 1800 mum 2 mum (its free) as they'll be able to give you some tips on keeping comfortable and avoiding more mastitis. I'm sure that you made the decision that felt right for you and your family. Hugs.
I only managed 8 weeks. Trust me. You've done wonderfully. And bond between baby and mum is not only cemented in breast feeding. It's an unspoken tie that lies in everything you do and say to each other. Trust that instead of those guilty feelings. You'll have plenty of other things to bet yourself up over in the coming years :)
Wow. I came over to let you know I have the first of the 12 step programs up so if you want to join just blog something and link it up.
BUT, you poor thing (or poor nipples and breasts and you!) My eldest weaned it pretty much the same as you just wrote about but with way less pain as I don't think he was actually drinking much at all. The second is about to get the hard word put on him as I think it actually is one of a few causes of lack of sleep for both of us. Hey each baby gets the best they can of their hard working mama. You did brilliantly and a weaned toddler is so much more able to be their own person. You are perfect - don't tell yourself different. Just pay attention to see how the cuddles are different - I reckon a weaned baby cudddles better!
xx take care of you
Oh - I feel for you. The whole post just had me nodding. I am onto my sixth lot of antibiotics for mastitis since having Miss M in Oct. It is awful. And as for the giving up the feeding....no matter if you feed for 6 months or 12 months or three years. That last feed is always hard. Knowing Miss M is my last babe, I am dreading that moment.
Thanks for your comments over at mine, hope the bread-making goes well!
Breast-feeding is a huge thing and you've done great. With my oldest, I knew I had to go back to work so always made sure he would take bottles as well. I managed to keep feeding him until he was 1, by which time I was pregnant again. No2 refused point blank to ever take a bottle and weaned himself on his 1st birthday! No3 was the same, No4 &5 I went a bit longer as they were both meant to be the last one! I do feel sad that I'll never do it again, but as you say, it is lovely to get your body back to yourself for a while and have your boobs in the right place again!
Hopefully you're over the mastitis by now and feeling better. You'll probably get to do it all over again soon!
Enjoy the rest of your weekend,
Sandra x
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